You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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