After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
