I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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