If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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