not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
