went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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