Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
