note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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