I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
