we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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