i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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