What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
