i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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