I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
