bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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