remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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