i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
