i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
