Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
