The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
