i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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