You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
