i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
as a side note pls kill me
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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