I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
