I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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