Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
