i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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