Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
