well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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