I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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