seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
