This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
