We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
