Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
