I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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