jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
