Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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