Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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