I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
