He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
