No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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