The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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