That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
