her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
