I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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