If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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