Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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