I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
