Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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