Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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