it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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